These 4 Questions Tell You Everything About The Health Of Your Relationship

Look, there's no such thing as a perfect relationship. There isn't one single recipe for love—but there are common "ingredients" experts have seen in long, thriving partnerships. Psychologists John Gottman, Ph.D., and Julie Gottman, Ph.D., leading relationship experts, founders of the Gottman Institute, and authors of Fight Right, have spent years identifying the secrets of successful couples. 

Says Julie, it's crucial that the other person takes responsibility for their part in mishaps. Whether it's a big blowout fight or a little tiff, it's important that they don't automatically push off the blame to another person.

"Sometimes I'll have people ask a potential partner, 'So how come your last relationship ended?' If they blame it all on the other person, the ex, watch out," she shares. That's a big red flag.

Next, we have reliability. Julie poses, "Does this person do what they say they're going to do? Did they call you when they said they would? If you're living together, did they call you to let you know they're going to be late for dinner? Do they actually respond to your texts?" 

Reliability leads to trust, which is the most important factor in a healthy relationship. With trust, you have a sense that your partner doesn't only think of themselves—they think about your benefit and well-being as much as their own. 

Is your partner there for you when you try to confide in them about something? It's important that they not just hear you but really internalize what you have to say.

Having a successful relationship doesn't mean you won't fight. In fact, conflict is actually a vital part of any healthy partnership. "When the friendship, intimacy, and conflict have deteriorated in a relationship, a couple is really at a place where they're almost on different planets," says John. 

Conflict is normal and healthy! It's how you fight that matters. Does this person try to brush off conflict entirely (an "avoidant" style, the Gottmans call it)? Do they become very emotionally explosive (or "volatile")? Or do they listen to you calmly then present their position with rationality (a positive "validating" style)? 

To be clear, it's OK if your partner has an avoidant or volatile fighting style. "All three styles are fine, as long as the ratio of positive to negative interaction in the conflict discussion is at least five times [more] positive than negative," says John.