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Holiday Stress Putting A Strain On Your Relationship? Try This Expert-Backed Technique
![Sarah Regan Sarah Regan](https://mindbodygreen-res.cloudinary.com/image/upload/c_fill,g_auto,w_50,h_50,q_auto,f_auto,fl_lossy/usr/RiI4bRa.jpg)
![Couple posing together, brunette woman in bed smiling at her partner, male partner on the ground looking back at her. Couple posing together, brunette woman in bed smiling at her partner, male partner on the ground looking back at her.](https://mindbodygreen-res.cloudinary.com/image/upload/c_fill,g_auto,w_480,h_322,q_auto,f_auto,fl_lossy/org/8j3my3xbikv2itee2.jpg)
If the holidays manage to test your relationship, you're not alone. From the dreaded "turkey drop" (breaking up with a significant other before going home for Thanksgiving), to January being one most popular months to file for divorce, there's clearly something about holiday happenings that make people question their relationships.
The good news is, there's a foolproof tactic couples can use to curb conflict this holiday season, and it's called the PePPeR technique. Here's what it's all about, plus how to put it into practice.
Understanding the PePPeR technique
Predict
The PePPeR technique comes from relationship expert and author of Wired for Love, Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, who co-created the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT). The first step to the PePPeR technique? Predict.
As Tatkin tells mindbodygeen, you and your significant other will want to discuss your mutual purpose and vision for the upcoming holiday (i.e. events and activities), and predict anything that could get in the way of that vision.
"Human beings are the only animal that can predict based on knowledge and information, and then to plan and prepare for that—and yet, couples don't to it," Tatkin says, adding, "So they walk into situations where their heart rates go up, they're anxious and stressed, and they're much more prone to being automatic and reactive."
Predicting the things that could go wrong, then, helps you plan for what you'll do should those predictions come true, Tatkin explains, which brings us to the next step.
Plan & prepare
Step #2 of the PePPeR technique is planning and preparing. When you have an idea of what could go wrong, this is when you and your partner can plan and make preparations for what you'll do to get through it.
Whether it's a long car ride with the kids, being around that one toxic family member, or figuring out which events you'll have to decline invites to, getting clear on your plan of attack beforehand is always a good idea.
"And couples will find that they stop repeating the same mistakes with this. All they have to do is carry over what didn't work last time, and what they are or aren't going to do this time," Tatkin says.
Further, he adds, having a plan can help couples feel more powerful and united, and ensure you're both on the same page (which, of course, helps mitigate arguments, too).
Revise & repair
The final step to the PePPeR technique involves making revisions or repairing any hurt feelings when and where necessary. As we're all aware, even the most solid plans can still backfire, and it's possible conflict could still arise.
Maybe you stepped on your partner's toes when you snapped about them forgetting to pick up a gift, or it just turned out that your plan didn't exactly go, well, as planned.
Take it as a lesson for next time, so when you have similar circumstances coming up (like another holiday party or get-together with the in-laws), you can remember what did and didn't work.
Ultimately, Tatkin says, "It's nice to be able to work together and protect our time together—without insulting anybody or hurting anybody," adding, "The purpose is that our good time, our safety, and our security comes first, because if we're not okay, then everybody else is affected."
The takeaway
The holidays can be super stressful, to be sure, but one of the most beautiful parts of relationship is that you have a built-in teammate. And you know what they say about teamwork: it makes the dream work.
So before you blow up on your partner or they blow up on you, try the PePPeR technique ahead of your next holiday gathering (or any time of year, really), and you can experience firsthand all the benefits of planning ahead with your partner.
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