How To Get Over Someone For Good In 13 Expert-Approved Steps

When a relationship has run its course, we eventually have to get over them. Whether it's been three days or three months, however, sometimes shaking those memories is easier said than done.

After all, when you love someone, you factor them into your future, they become a part of your self-image, and of course, there may be a big part of you that doesn't want to let them go.

But for the sake of your own well-being, it's imperative you do. Dwelling on a person who is no longer in your life will only cause you suffering, so it's best not to drag it out and instead, actively find ways to build yourself up and find acceptance for the relationship ending.

Constantly being reminded of the person you want to get over is not a recipe for success, so going no-contact (including social media) is the first place you'll want to start.

In fact, a 2012 study published in Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking surveyed 464 participants and found that staying friends with an ex on Facebook was associated with a more difficult emotional recovery from a breakup and less personal growth, compared to those who unfriended. 

Don't beat yourself up for being sad or upset. Getting over someone is a vulnerable process that looks different (and will take more or less time) depending on the person. It is sad and upsetting, and you deserve to give yourself grace as you grieve.

As therapist and relationship expert Ken Page, LCSW, tells mindbodygreen, people tend to underestimate the amount of pain they're going to experience in a breakup—but they also underestimate their ability to get over it. 

In Taylor Swift's iconic song "All Too Well," she sings, I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to—and ain't that the truth of so many breakups!

Look: You very well might have moments when you start romanticizing this person, forgetting all the reasons the relationship didn't work out. For your own clarity, try to avoid this as much as possible. Heartbreak has a real way of keeping us from seeing things clearly.

As sex and relationship therapist Stephen Snyder, M.D., previously told mindbodygreen, "Most often, we idealize the people we miss," adding, "We overlook the fact that the meaning we attached to the relationship wasn't actually fulfilled as much as we would have liked."

According to Page, we often want to isolate in the midst of our pain, but when you're getting over someone, that's when you really need outside support from trusted loved ones the most.

"It's best to share our pain, our grief, our questions, and our bewilderment with friends—they're going to be much more tolerant of how much time we need to actually go through those things again and again, and our dear friends will be there for us," he tells mindbodygreen.

As aforementioned, it's easy to look at the past relationship with rose-colored glasses, so not only do you want to avoid romanticizing it, but you want to get real about what went wrong versus what might have actually been right.

Yes, there were happy memories, sweet moments, and things you probably really loved about this person. Those things don't have to be discounted to understand why it ultimately didn't work out.

As Page explains, getting over someone is an opportunity to reflect on how you contributed to the relationship's problems, as well as the kinds of things you won't tolerate in the future.

"This relationship didn't work, and it didn't work for very real reasons. We can commit to working on those things and be a student of our own intimacy journey," Page says, adding that this is particularly important if this breakup feels like a pattern you're repeating.

"If these problems have occurred in previous relationships as well, it also means there are parts of yourself that you haven't learned to dignify, champion, or honor enough—or it wouldn't keep happening," he says.

Of course, don't let this turn into a blame game of pointing fingers at yourself or the other person—it's merely a chance to reflect on your own patterns and how you'd like to do things differently going forward.

From a very early age, we're made to believe we're only complete if we have a partner. Relationships are great, but rest assured, you are whole and complete on your own—and now you have a chance to revel in that.

We tend to pour so much into our romantic relationships and forget about ourselves in the process, but as Page notes, it's liberating to realize you can truly focus on yourself now. "You can now reclaim those parts of yourself and maybe in the future, not give them up so easily."

As marriage and family therapist Shelly Bullard, MFT, previously wrote for mindbodygreen, one of the best ways to get over someone is to imagine your next partner before they arrive. "It's much easier to leave behind a relationship and a memory when you have something better to look forward to. It might sound awful right now, but it's true," she says.

To that end, Page says, we often fall into "attractions of deprivation," where we wind up falling for people who actually deprive us of the love we're looking for, triggering deep-seated attachment wounds that ironically fuel our attraction to the person.

Instead, he says, we want to look for "attractions of inspiration," aka people who make you feel genuinely cherished, appreciated, and loved for who you are—not people who make you second-guess your worth.

Not only can working with a mental health professional help simply by way of being a listening ear, but they can also help you understand your own relationship patterns so you can avoid similar situations in the future.

This tip comes with a caveat because we're definitely not suggesting escaping from the pain through mindless sex or multiple rebounds. That said, dipping back into the dating pool can be a much-needed reminder that there are still great people out there and at the very least, take your mind off the person you want to get over.

The more you begin to focus on yourself and your interests, the more you'll begin to accept that this person is no longer in your life. And the more you begin to accept that, believe it or not, the more you can find gratitude for what you two had when you had it—as well as gratitude for the lessons you learned from parting ways.

Last but not least, don't put pressure on yourself to get over this person by next week or even next month. It will happen in due time, and getting down on yourself for not grieving "fast enough" is only going to make you feel worse.

Rest assured, according to research published in the Review of General Psychology1, the more time passes after a breakup, the more you heal emotionally. "We have a mechanism in our brains designed by natural selection to pull us through a very tumultuous time in our lives...it suggests people will recover; the pain will go away with time," the researchers write.

In other words, time really does heal all wounds, even if the amount of time is different for everyone and every breakup.