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12 Signs Of Cheating (And How To Cope), From Relationship Experts
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Relationships can be a source of happiness and safety—but not when you think your partner may be cheating on you. It might be time to take a closer look at your partner's behavior if you're worried they're crossing a line so you can one day return to a more peaceful existence of happiness and safety again—with or without them.
What is cheating?
There is no universal definition for cheating because every relationship has its own set of parameters and norms.
But infidelity usually involves secret emotional, sexual, or romantic behavior that betrays the (sometimes unspoken) agreement1 between partners. Everyone, including people in ethical nonmonogamous relationships, can experience cheating.
The most common forms of infidelity—physical cheating, emotional cheating, digital cheating, financial cheating, and "micro-cheating"—share the fact that the person engaging in the activity finds the need to hide it from their partner and knows that their partner would feel betrayed if they found out.
"Cheating is essentially breaking trust," says Paul Bashea Williams, LCSW, licensed therapist and relationship recovery expert.
Signs of cheating
Just like there is no black-and-white definition for cheating, there is no one telltale sign that your partner is cheating. However, there are eyebrow-raising behavioral patterns that could indicate infidelity. If you're worried that your partner is exhibiting signs of cheating, the best thing to do is speak to them directly.
"Usually it's not just one thing," says Lauren LaRusso, LMHC, licensed therapist and infidelity consultant. "It's usually multiple behaviors that would give you the sign."
They're being weird about their phone
Phone behavior is one of the biggest predictors of cheating in modern society, according to LaRusso. "Our phones are the biggest giveaway at this point, just because we're always on them and always have them on us," she says.
If your partner starts displaying these cellphone cheating signs—keeping their phone upside down, turning it away from you while they're texting, closing all of their apps before letting you use it, or not letting you touch their phone at all—then it may be a sign they're hiding something from you, according to LaRusso.
They're more secretive
If they're acting kind of shady and ain't calling you baby, you might be wondering: why the sudden change? Cheating is defined by its shadiness. Your partner is likely to become more secretive by necessity if they're hiding something, whether it's the nature of their relationship with another person or their text messages or chunks of time in their day. Address your suspicion head-on because you can only understand shadiness by turning on the light.
They act more distant
When someone feels emotionally neglected by their partner, they sometimes turn to someone outside of their relationship to fill the emotional void, Williams says.
If your partner is distant, try to increase communication to find out what's going on: whether their distance is a sign of cheating or not. This can be especially helpful for partners who have different attachment styles.
"If someone is anxious/avoidant and another person is secure, they might feel neglected," Williams says. "They might not have the skills to communicate what they need or what they're not getting."
Their routine changes
When you're in a long-term relationship with someone, you start to know the drill. You know when they wake up, go to work, head to the gym, hang out with their friends, and call it a night. But when their routine changes and you don't know why, it could be a sign of cheating. (Or at least that there's something they're not telling you.)
Their spending habits don't add up
When in doubt, follow the money. If your partner is shelling out for things that don't make sense (maybe you're noticing unexplained credit card charges, like for a dinner that you didn't know about or a bracelet that you never saw), then it could be a sign of cheating. After all, "how people spend money changes when affairs start," Williams says.
There can be a lot of expenses involved in having an affair, including hotel rooms, dinner, drinks, date activities, and gifts. One survey found that people spent an average of $444 per month to maintain their romantic affairs.
Their sexual appetite decreases
Intimacy in relationships changes over time and experiences peaks and valleys. But if you've noticed a sudden dip in your partner's sexual appetite, it could be a sign of cheating.
Studies have shown that healthy emotional intimacy in partnerships plays a "major role" in maintaining a healthy and robust sex life2, so it's important to start a dialogue with your partner about your concerns and to remain open and vulnerable without being accusatory.
Suddenly, you're the cheater
A worrisome sign of cheating can be when your partner turns around and accuses you of cheating, possibly once you've confronted them about your infidelity fears. They could be projecting their guilt and shame onto you and deflecting as a way to continue hiding their affair.
If your partner displays narcissistic, psychopathic, or sociopathic traits and is showing signs of cheating, it could mean trouble because those are the personality types that are most likely to cheat.
Psychopaths are more likely to lie and disregard social codes. Narcissists and sociopaths, meanwhile, tend to be more relaxed about their own cheating3.
They've been unfaithful in the past
Once a cheater, always a cheater? Not necessarily.
"A lot of people are capable of doing something once and then realizing that it wasn't worth the risk, or it wasn't worth the pain they put another person through, or it wasn't worth the recovery work they now have to do because they breached that trust," LaRusso says.
Plenty of people learn their lesson after infidelity and never cheat again. But some people will repeat cheating behaviors maybe because they have low self-esteem or feel a lack of commitment4 to their relationship.
"There's a lot of people who will promise not to do it again, but they're just not super-monogamous people, or they have self-worth problems and they're very attracted to the attention of other people, or there's underlying vulnerabilities that cause them to be more receptive to doing things that are hurtful to their relationships," LaRusso says.
It's more than a glance
Here's an unusual potential sign of cheating: How difficult is it for your partner to look away from attractive people? Does this meme hit a little too close to home? It's natural for people to appreciate beauty, and it definitely doesn't mean they're cheating, but research has found a link between the length of time one stares at an attractive person before looking away and their likelihood to cheat5.
Their interests change
Is your partner all of a sudden really into rock climbing (without you)? Have they started replacing your Friday night date nights with long evenings at the bar with friends? Are they listening to different kinds of music?
These could be signs that your partner has met someone who is introducing them to new things. Making a new friend is probably a positive thing for your partner, as long as they're not hiding the person from you.
They turn down date night
So you plan a fun date night to spice things up in your relationship, but your partner turns down your idea. You propose something else and are met, again, with disinterest.
This could be a sign of cheating, according to Williams, and warrants further conversation about how your partner would rather spend their time. Williams stresses that date nights are also important in keeping the spark of your relationship alive.
You can sense their disappointment (or they can sense yours)
We expect a lot from our romantic partners, but no one is perfect, and even our partners will inevitably let us down.
"We're trying to marry our best friend, our greatest lover, our confidant," LaRusso says. "And then when they turn out to just be a human and they're disappointing, or they're letting you down as a co-parent, or they sleep too much, or they work too much, we're like, 'This isn't what we signed on for. This sucks.' And we get vulnerable."
Feeling disappointed in your partner can open your relationship up to infidelity, which is why it's important to communicate your frustrations with your partner before they reach a tipping point.
How to cope with being cheated on
Research shows that infidelity is traumatic enough to trigger1 post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms, such as feelings of anxiety, rumination, intrusive flashbacks, and depression1.
Cheating looks out onto a long road to recovery, but it isn't impossible to walk. And yes, some relationships bounce back stronger than ever (but not without some very hard work).
Name your feelings
First, identify everything you're feeling about the situation in order to work through your emotions. "You've been abandoned. You've been uprooted. You've been blindsided. You've been ashamed. You feel hopeless, devastated, violated, sometimes emotionally exhausted," Williams says.
Have self-compassion
It's not your fault that someone cheated on you, period. Yes, you might have contributed to conditions within your relationship that made it vulnerable to cheating, but you can't control another person's actions, according to LaRusso.
Lean on your support system
Confide in a couple of trusted people to help you through this difficult time. You'll want to choose people who are "emotionally mature enough to support you in a safe and positive way," LaRusso says. Don't forget—once you tell someone your partner cheated, you can't "unsay" it, so share the news with only those you trust.
Practice self-cafe
Self-care is more important than ever during crises. Go outside and take meditative walks. Journal about your feelings and anger. Eat a balanced diet. Take extra care of yourself while you're struggling with infidelity to give yourself the best chance of healing.
What to do
If you've found concrete evidence that your partner is cheating, don't come out "guns blazing," LaRusso says.
Be direct and share your concern with them. Don't accuse them—give them a chance to explain the situation.
It's possible (and kind of common) that they will initially deny any wrongdoing because they're scared. If they lie to you, then share your evidence with them.
"With the evidence right there in front of them, they'll realize that their hands are tied. Jig's up. There's nowhere to run and there's nowhere to hide," LaRusso says.
When to break up or reconcile
It can be hard to know, in the immediate aftermath of infidelity, whether healing the relationship is possible.
Is the person who cheated feeling regret and remorse? Are they taking the necessary steps to help their partner feel safe again? How will both parties work on healing, individually and together?
"Talking about the 'why' is important because it allows the couple to address whether or not there were any vulnerabilities within the relationship itself that led that person to step out in order to get their needs met," LaRusso says.
If a partner feels like it's not worth it to repair the relationship or that no amount of healing would ever be enough for them to feel safe and secure in a post-infidelity relationship, then breaking up is likely necessary, according to Williams.
People often anticipate that they would absolutely leave a relationship if their partner cheated, but that's not often the case in reality, LaRusso says. Marriage, children, and finances all factor into the decision.
"Usually, they have built a life together and that is like superglue that puts up resistance to actually doing the thing they thought they would do, which is get up and leave," LaRusso says.
Reconciling after cheating requires emotional work from both partners, but it is possible to recover from infidelity—especially with professional help.
Therapy options
Whether you plan to stay in the relationship or not, you should seek professional help to work through the tornado of complex emotions brought on by infidelity.
Both partners should seek individual counseling, Williams says, to work through the trauma of cheating. It's also a good idea to enroll in couples' therapy so you can make progress on the struggles you face as a partnership with the help of a professional.
"It's a really hard road because once you break trust and privacy and demonstrate that you are capable of those behaviors, it can create a legacy of mistrust in the relationship," LaRusso says. "So you need to double down on committing to healing and knowing why you want to salvage the relationship."
FAQ:
Why do people cheat?
People cheat for many reasons, including a desire for excitement, feeling neglected by a partner, feeling like their needs aren't being met, inability to cope with major life stressors, workplace romances, and simple opportunistic cheating.
Are men or women more likely to cheat?
Research shows men are more likely than women to cheat, but the gender gap is narrowing, especially among younger people. It's long been thought that men cheat to fulfill their physical needs and women cheat to satisfy their emotional needs, but men and women both cheat for various (and often similar) reasons.
Why do cheaters lie when they're caught?
People don't come clean about cheating, in part, because they're embarrassed, ashamed, and afraid of losing the relationship.
The takeaway
There are certain signs to look out for if you suspect your partner of infidelity, but every person (and relationship) is different. If your partner has been acting shady—whether they've been weird about their phone or changing their routine or more distant—the best course of action is to address your concerns with them directly.
If cheating has occurred, know that there are always options to heal or go your separate ways, depending on what's best for your relationship.
5 Sources
- https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10002055/
- https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5987853/
- https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15298860701620227?scroll=top&needAccess=true&journalCode=psai20
- https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9722948/#ref11
- https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2018-05467-001
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