12 Signs Of Cheating (And How To Cope), From Relationship Experts

There is no universal definition for cheating because every relationship has its own set of parameters and norms.

But infidelity usually involves secret emotional, sexual, or romantic behavior that betrays the (sometimes unspoken) agreement1 between partners. Everyone, including people in ethical nonmonogamous relationships, can experience cheating.

The most common forms of infidelity—physical cheating, emotional cheating, digital cheating, financial cheating, and "micro-cheating"—share the fact that the person engaging in the activity finds the need to hide it from their partner and knows that their partner would feel betrayed if they found out. 

Just like there is no black-and-white definition for cheating, there is no one telltale sign that your partner is cheating. However, there are eyebrow-raising behavioral patterns that could indicate infidelity. If you're worried that your partner is exhibiting signs of cheating, the best thing to do is speak to them directly.

Phone behavior is one of the biggest predictors of cheating in modern society, according to LaRusso. "Our phones are the biggest giveaway at this point, just because we're always on them and always have them on us," she says.

When someone feels emotionally neglected by their partner, they sometimes turn to someone outside of their relationship to fill the emotional void, Williams says. 

If your partner is distant, try to increase communication to find out what's going on: whether their distance is a sign of cheating or not. This can be especially helpful for partners who have different attachment styles.

When in doubt, follow the money. If your partner is shelling out for things that don't make sense (maybe you're noticing unexplained credit card charges, like for a dinner that you didn't know about or a bracelet that you never saw), then it could be a sign of cheating. After all, "how people spend money changes when affairs start," Williams says. 

Intimacy in relationships changes over time and experiences peaks and valleys. But if you've noticed a sudden dip in your partner's sexual appetite, it could be a sign of cheating.

A worrisome sign of cheating can be when your partner turns around and accuses you of cheating, possibly once you've confronted them about your infidelity fears. They could be projecting their guilt and shame onto you and deflecting as a way to continue hiding their affair.

If your partner displays narcissistic, psychopathic, or sociopathic traits and is showing signs of cheating, it could mean trouble because those are the personality types that are most likely to cheat.

Once a cheater, always a cheater? Not necessarily. 

"A lot of people are capable of doing something once and then realizing that it wasn't worth the risk, or it wasn't worth the pain they put another person through, or it wasn't worth the recovery work they now have to do because they breached that trust," LaRusso says.

Plenty of people learn their lesson after infidelity and never cheat again. But some people will repeat cheating behaviors maybe because they have low self-esteem or feel a lack of commitment4 to their relationship.

Is your partner all of a sudden really into rock climbing (without you)? Have they started replacing your Friday night date nights with long evenings at the bar with friends? Are they listening to different kinds of music?

So you plan a fun date night to spice things up in your relationship, but your partner turns down your idea. You propose something else and are met, again, with disinterest. 

We expect a lot from our romantic partners, but no one is perfect, and even our partners will inevitably let us down.

"We're trying to marry our best friend, our greatest lover, our confidant," LaRusso says. "And then when they turn out to just be a human and they're disappointing, or they're letting you down as a co-parent, or they sleep too much, or they work too much, we're like, 'This isn't what we signed on for. This sucks.' And we get vulnerable."

Research shows that infidelity is traumatic enough to trigger1 post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms, such as feelings of anxiety, rumination, intrusive flashbacks, and depression1.

If you've found concrete evidence that your partner is cheating, don't come out "guns blazing," LaRusso says.

Be direct and share your concern with them. Don't accuse them—give them a chance to explain the situation.

It's possible (and kind of common) that they will initially deny any wrongdoing because they're scared. If they lie to you, then share your evidence with them. 

It can be hard to know, in the immediate aftermath of infidelity, whether healing the relationship is possible.

Is the person who cheated feeling regret and remorse? Are they taking the necessary steps to help their partner feel safe again? How will both parties work on healing, individually and together?

"Talking about the 'why' is important because it allows the couple to address whether or not there were any vulnerabilities within the relationship itself that led that person to step out in order to get their needs met," LaRusso says.

If a partner feels like it's not worth it to repair the relationship or that no amount of healing would ever be enough for them to feel safe and secure in a post-infidelity relationship, then breaking up is likely necessary, according to Williams.

People often anticipate that they would absolutely leave a relationship if their partner cheated, but that's not often the case in reality, LaRusso says. Marriage, children, and finances all factor into the decision.

"Usually, they have built a life together and that is like superglue that puts up resistance to actually doing the thing they thought they would do, which is get up and leave," LaRusso says.

Whether you plan to stay in the relationship or not, you should seek professional help to work through the tornado of complex emotions brought on by infidelity.

Both partners should seek individual counseling, Williams says, to work through the trauma of cheating. It's also a good idea to enroll in couples' therapy so you can make progress on the struggles you face as a partnership with the help of a professional.

There are certain signs to look out for if you suspect your partner of infidelity, but every person (and relationship) is different. If your partner has been acting shady—whether they've been weird about their phone or changing their routine or more distant—the best course of action is to address your concerns with them directly.