A Marriage & Family Therapist Says This Is The Biggest Relationship Killer

As a marriage and family therapist, podcast host, and bestselling author of The Origins of You, Vienna Pharaon, LMFT, knows a thing or two about what can make or break a relationship. While every connection is unique, she told us on the mindbodygreen podcast that there's one thing every duo, romantic or not, should keep an eye out for. 

"Resentment's a killer," Pharaon says. But it's not always obvious how this feeling comes to be. In fact, the list of common resentment triggers looks a whole lot like typical relationship struggles—just with one twist.

In terms of a few seeds that can grow into resentment, Pharaon lists lack of communication, inability to address smaller issues, and a lack of gratitude, appreciation, or acknowledgment as some of the most common. You might think these smaller issues are too trivial to bring up, but these can grow into resentment if you fail to communicate these emotions and experiences, allowing negativity to build up in your mind. 

This doesn't just apply to romantic relationships either. In any connection, be it with friends or family, too, knowing when and how to express your emotions is essential to keeping that relationship healthy.

Her tip: Lower your "negativity threshold" and openly communicate when you're upset. "Don't make a mountain out of a mole hole," she says, meaning, it's important to choose your battles and not catastrophize every small issue, but you should still feel comfortable to voice your concerns. Your negative emotions are valid, and your partner should respect them if and when you bring them up.

However, don't make the threshold so low that you begin to nitpick because that'll cause conflict too. For example, not liking your partner's shirt shouldn't be a larger conflict, Pharaon says. Instead, when something truly upsets you, voice it honestly and with a calm mindset so you don't harbor negative emotions. 

"When that threshold is lower, meaning the amount of negativity that I am willing to tolerate before I say something about it is really low, [that is] very helpful," she says. This lower threshold combined with a calm approach to conversation will keep the door to communication open and approachable.

"We don't have to make a huge to-do about it, but [be] able to express it, name it, and have it essentially be resolved in that moment," she adds. When you feel more comfortable with this habit, you ultimately help prevent an "explosion" brought on by pent-up frustration.